Feeling very raw today…right now.I miss my Mom so,so,so much…I’ll never be able to express how much in mere words.Loss,like love,is really a thing felt rather than expressed,isn’t it? Like,if you really love somebody,you love them no matter what,don’t you? Even if they do nasty things and behave horribly towards you,if you really love them,you love them;it’s something that is not penetrable.
A mothers love is unconditional…I guess that even if they are unable at times to show how much they truly do love their kids…its only because at that point,they’re hurting too much…maybe because their child appears not to need them anymore,and for a Mom,that thought is unbearable. Of course,no matter how old we get,kids always need their Mom’s. Even if sometimes we,too,cannot express just how much. Mom’s and daughter’s/sons are really just the same-we both fear that revealing our true emotions and fears will only expose the ever present wound to more pain.
Last night as I passed my Mom’s photo on the sideboard I felt myself getting annoyed with the fact that her expression doesn’t change…it’s static.It was like I’d just realised that…my new awful reality is that what I have now of Mom…what remains…is…unchanging.It is now,as it is. A photograph is a moment in time,a letter is a moment in time…a receipt,a note,a shopping list…these are all moment in time,the moments in time that make up Mom’s life,a life without which my life would not exist. It’s…it’s almost as if,though,that I was angry that the photgraph on the sideboard…was just a photo…it wasn’t-isn’t-her as she would be if she were standing or sitting beside me,as she did so many,many times…as she always was-beside me.But now…no more.
Sometimes I find myself wondering how long it will be before I will lay near her once again.I think about the day when our coffins-hers and mine-will be disintegrated to dust and how our bones will then mingle together.That gives me comfort,oddly I guess. I know now too,of course,where my own final resting place will be…with her,where she lay now. Mom did not know,she never wanted to talk about it really.If it were not for me remembering-unusually as I have the worst possible memory ever-Mom mentioning that she didn’t like one possible graveyard I was going to rest her,I don’t know what I would have done.In the end,she went home to where she and I and our family for a few generations back,are from. The place,the ‘homeplace,’ she always regretted leaving. I think she may have once made a throwaway remark that she would ‘go’ there,’I suppose.’ No one wants to die,no one wants to think about their death or life going on without them,but what choice do we have? To live,to have the priviledge and honour of life,means also that we will all also suffer the tragedy of that life being taken from us one day. This is why life is so beautiful…because it is so,so tragic,too. These two are intertwined eternally. This is life.
I know now that there is a BEFORE and an AFTER in this life. The BEFORE is before we have suffered the hearthaunting loss of a loved one,the AFTER is …after.Only those who have endured this awful pain will know what it means. Before is innocent,unaware bliss. After is reality,after is the waking from the dream of uneventful, routine peaceful normality into a nightmare land of longing for how it once was…and will never be again. And once awoken into this bleak lonely landscape of emptiness,it is very,very difficult-sometimes impossible-to find a way out…..not a way back,for there is no way back….just a way out. That journey may last a long,long,long time….maybe years…maybe forever,until one day there is…..oblivion.